I keep coming back and writing the same stuff that I wrote months earlier. I wonder if it is that I have stopped moving on or if it is that my mind is playing games with me. Read the following post. I wrote it on 4th November 2006, and it sounds exactly like the one I wrote on 4th Nov 2005 and the fact that I have just erased a post that sounded too similar again. Na jaaney mujhe kya hogaya hai?
It looks like I am rediscovering my hobbies all over again. So far I’ve done crochet, a bit of glass painting, a little bit of paper-art, knitting; I’ve made some flowers out of old cloth and I have sewed the curtains and table cloths in my home. Today I completed a sketchwork and have been eyeing my gouaches for the past half an hour wondering if I should have a nap or try painting a still-life.
If I ever die young, let it be known that it will be of boredom.
Sometimes, I wonder if I have a little bit of too much time on my hand. There was once upon a time when 24 hours seemed so less and then I got married and realised that the days got longer, the evenings even longer and the nights, too short. Before I met Ted, it was like I had no time and too much to do. Ofcourse, I worked then but … I still had my hobbies. Then Ted came along, swept me off my feet and took me on a year long honeymoon. Now that we have finally decided to settle down and he has resumed his job, I feel so lonely and bored throughout the day (and some evenings too when he is not home early). I know that I stll have the option of getting a job or studying further but I doubt if I want to study forever. Afterall, I already have a masters and research, though very inviting, makes me wonder if I can give it that dedication that the job will require. I’ve always been in search of new avenues and I know it is just that I am in the process of discovering a new talent that I haven’t recognised so far but at times I feel left out. I mean, I am not working anymore. I don’t have a 9-5 job or a pay check. I don’t need to earn and although that sounds so good, it sometimes makes me say, “This is not me”. Ted and I’ve talked about it and we haven’t decided on anything. May be I just need a child in my life. May be if I became a parent I’d feel more responsible and in control.
God, are you listening?